Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
What My Dad's Death Taught Me
I lost my dad at the age of 12. It was such a weird age to lose a parent simply because usually you are so distracted with puberty that you really don't have time to think about the fact of one of your parents not being able to see you graduate from high school or college. Not being there to teach you how to drive or interrogate the man that you will one day marry. Thoughts like that never cross your mind at 12.
My dad suffered from colon cancer and let me be the first to say, seeing your parent deteriorate slowly in front of you can change your life. I remember visiting my father one day and finally seeing the reality of such a destructive disease. When my dad was healthy he was a huge guy, football player-esq. He was 6'4 and weighed, I am pretty sure, at least 200lbs. And I am pretty sure he is the reason why I love me a nice teddy bear of a man now.
My relationship with my dad, however, got better the sicker he became. With the illness, my dad began to prioritize his life and I believe, started to let go of fears that held him hostage all of his life. My relationship with him was not the easiest and although I loved him with all my heart, and still do, my father was also the reason why I had trust issues with men years after his departure.
I learned a lot from 'Bubba'. I got way more from him than just his looks, I gained perspective. After losing my father, I can definitely say I have valued my mom a lot more. Before he died, I never thought about death. I never imagined life without my parents, because in the the back of my head I guess I just thought that they would always be there. PERIOD. Well that changed March 25th 2004 at 4:00 PM. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was at school when I was called to the front office. When I saw my mom she told me, "Mahalia, we are going to go see your father. Your sisters said he isn't doing well and wants to see all of his daughters."
This was nothing new to me, by this time, I was use to leaving school early because this had happened a few times before. On that overcast of a day, it was quiet and dark. When I got to my sisters house, although I was scared I walked in my father's room and saw him breathing heavily with a breathing machine. It was so weird seeing such a massive man become so submissive to a machine. I knew he knew I was in the room though although I didn't know what to say. I just stared and stood there in the weirdest way.
After being with him for about a few hours my mom and I decided to go home and as soon as we pulled into our driveway one of my sisters called her and told her that he passed away. I stared for a little bit and then when inside the house, sat in my red chair and turned on Full House (a tv show) without saying a word. I did not shed a tear until I saw my daddy in his casket.
To this day, I miss my father like crazy. I miss having the ability to say, "I am going to call daddy." or "I am going to go see my daddy." I hate that he missed a lot of my firsts like my prom, my graduations or my first heartbreak. He won't get a chance to meet the wonderful man that stole my heart either.
But do you know what? God had such a bigger plan for my dad. He needed my dad to grow up in a lot of ways and because God reigns supreme He ultimately knows what it will take for us to get it right so that we can get right with Him before it is too late. With that being said, I see my mom in a whole different light.
I see my mom as not only my mom but as some one who I owe the world to.
