I am just a daughter conceived from false hopes of love and a generational curse.
The women in my family have been through a lot. A lot of heartache, a lot of lies, and a lot of secrets. So many things that happened way before me and even so, it has still effected my life in so many ways.
The sad truth is, the women in my family have hardly ever had the "happily ever after" and it makes my stomach turn. The thought that everyone else can have a workable marriage but my own tribes makes me mad, confused, and just pissed.
I remember being young and even learning about my mom and dad's relationship. Although, they were married when I was born, the marriage was short-lived and before even making the age of 3 they began their rocky road trip towards divorce. BUT WHY?!
When I was younger, I never experienced anger because of that. I can honestly say that I was a pretty happy kid going through all the craziness my mom went through during that process. She was very loving, very protective and very determined to leave the relationship after she saw there was no future.
My dad, although I loved the mess out of him (and still do), had so many personal issues.To be honest, I should not have even been made with all the issues he was dealing with (and I say that with no sarcasm). However, my mama always told me, "If I would have known the things that I know now about your father, then, you probably would not have been here but Mahalia, you were meant to be here." When she told me that, she wasn't saying that she would have aborted me or anything, she was saying that she would not have even gotten in as deep as she did with my dad in the first place. I never took it personal when she first said that and I never will.
As I listened to my mom replay the tape of life in her head it broke my heart to hear the struggle my grandmother even went through in her love life. My grandma was with someone for 30 years who really did not love her. And no, I am not trying to put my problems in the open but I want to make the point of this post very clear.
I have women in my family who have been abused for the sake of love, women who were raped, women who have been desperate for love. So yes, I have a strong stance on this topic. I have a very strong point of view on love. WHY MUST WE STRUGGLE WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE? WHO IN THE WORLD SENT IN INVITE TO THE DEVIL TO SEND US THIS GENERATIONAL CURSE?
I wish I knew who did it because now as I look at the repetition of heartaches I am completely tired of it all. So that brings me to my overall point of this post....I WILL NEVER SETTLE FOR LOVE. I have experienced personal heartbreak from my own Father regarding this topic, and yes, I still love my dad, I still miss him being here but he has taught me what not to seek in a man all at the same time. By the Grace of God, He has blessed me to be a stronger woman because of this.
I have high standards for my future husband. I believe that the God in our marriage, will work things out. Not make things perfect but will make all things work for the good of those called according to His purpose. And when I speak on marriage, I am not saying that you must be virgins. I am saying that the God that I run after is the God that I want to run this ship.
God being my father, means that I have the criteria of what a man should be. And He has shown me that love means forgiveness, it means compassion, it means wisdom, it means protections, it means acceptance of all flaws, it means the dying of yourself for the life of someone else ---it means sacrifice. And that is only a little bit of it all.
GOD IS ALL OF THAT and I want that in my life for the rest of my life. I don't want perfection but my goodness, I want real love. I have seen generations of heartaches, generations of being unloved and I just pray to God that HE will use me to break this craziness. I will forever push the women in my family and friends to push for God's love because it is the best love.
Our future little boys and girls need to be rescued from things out of there control and it starts with us right now, right at this moment. If the Lord says the same, I feel that I have an obligation to my little ones that will follow me.
Settle?......For what?
With the Lord's strength......I'd rather be single. ;)
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