Father-Figures, Weight And Confidence...

Growing up in my skin hasn't always been the easiest. Alot of times, as I was growing up, I compared myself a lot to the girls around me. But instead of being negative toward myself, I tried finding the one thing that I had that they didn't. In return, my self esteem just lowered itself all the more.

I had low self esteem. I really don't know or understand where it came from. When I was younger, it was weird for me. I had moments when I was so confident in myself but once my zone of confidence was challenged I ran for cover.

I guess I had this thing about being challenged which I feel like stemmed from my fear of not being good enough. I remember in elementary school, I really craved having my big brother around. During that time he was in the Army, he joined when he was around 17 and well my brother is 14 years older than me. So when he left I was either 6 or 7 at the time. I remember even at that young of an age, craving for male attention. I wanted someone, a man (who truly only wanted what was best for me) to have that loving bond with. I guess because my biological father wasn't present I figured my brother was the next best thing.

Well my brother grow up and grow out. He started a family of my own and for a period of time, I felt hurt. I was hurt because I felt that I was just forgotten about. I felt like I didn't really have enough time to enjoy being the apple of his eye. Wow...I guess I really did nominate my brother for the "Male Role Model Of The Year" Award. As I grew up, I started to understand that my brother had his own life to live and he had the right to love and create his own family. Although he was the main male figure in my life at that point, I had to let him leave the nest with no hard feelings..or pressures for that matter.

Well time progressed, I got older and then I went through my fat phase. I was almost 200lbs..which was big for me. It showed all in my face..I was a size 14. I thought that was my normal at first until I seen a picture of myself and was totally disgusted. I told myself that just could not be my life and by the ending of my senior year in High School, I started my journey towards losing those pounds and learning how to be more comfortable in my own skin. It was not easy but it was soooo worth it.

When college began, originally I was just stuck on getting use to being the only piece of color in my class, or on a bus, or in a bathroom or even in a certain section in the gym. My neighborhood consisted of majority Blacks & Hispanics....so rarely did I encounter diversity. So when I started my new life at Texas A&M University......having Culture Shock was not even the word to use to describe how very uncomfortable I felt. Eventually, I learned how to be confident enough to not worry about the possible stereotypes that could arise due to my color....but I still was very aware that they were there.

When it came to relationships in college, I always knew that I was a catch. I did. I shall not lie lol. I never for once thought that I deserved anything outside of what was the best for me. I told my mom the other day that it was because of how I seen the women in my family struggle with [when it came to relationships] that I was determined to allow God to show my heart who was the right one for me. Not my eyes, not my thoughts, not my ideas, not my expectations but God showing my heart where home was.

Not only that, but even in high school and definitely in college, I thought about my future kids and how I wanted them to have everything that I didn't ---- the true, intimate love of their biological father. So that's what has helped me not settle when it came to the relationship department.

Overall, half the time, I can only say that it was God that kept my mind steady and my confidence high enough to not pay too much attention to the devil's lies. You know, the one tactic that I've used to help fight self esteem is transparency. Just being plain ole honest about what you have to offer, right now - right at this moment. When I started seeing people as humans instead of the position they held, I started to really feel at ease about myself.

Not only seeing people as humans but also seeing people as their passions. Day in and day out we are taught to work hard, that sleepless nights are the ways of successful. We become so absorb by our wanting to be better that we fail to live. I want to live. Yes, I want to be successful but man do I want to live.

My faith in God helps me understand that this world is not meant to be here forever, HOWEVER, God placed this Earth here for us as a gift yet we are the one who change His intentions into something else. So I've come to understand that this life too was meant to be enjoyed, while we are here. Day in and day out I see people mold themselves or attach themselves to temporary things. Well I guess I see things differently. A little different from how I use to see things  3 or 4 years ago.

I desire for my life to be fulfilling. And by fulfilling, I do mean spiritually first simply because your spiritual health will determine how enjoyable your natural life is. And no it is not all about just saying "Jesus" all day. There is so much connected to our spiritual lives....right down to the jobs we go to or our walks to our classes. Life means nothing if it has no meaning.

I desire to have passion. I truly want to live an intentional life, not through the eyes of how others feel my life should be. I want it to be lead by God (because it just feels good to know you have Someone to rely on besides yourself) and I just want to love the life I am living right now.

Confidence comes when you are content where you are, right now, right at this moment. It's so easy to miss life when you are living it through the eyes of someone else. What's your vision? Where are you trying to go? Are you happy? Where does your confidence lie? I know that I am really working hard on focusing on my Walk with Christ more because this change of pace in my life RIGHT NOW.....maaannnn....it's making me rethink & refocus.

Do you need to refocus? It's cool if you do. We all need to do it daily or we will be complacent with where we are. I learned this in college and I am definitely learning this now. My confidence can only manifest when my focus is on Him. That's how it works for me....how does it work for you?


Weeeeeelllllll...I need to hop off of here. There is work that needs to be done. Love you all and ...

#HAPPYHUMPDAY 

Mahalia Explains.....What Does My Relationship with God Really Look Like?

Okay so first thing is first, I know this was suppose to be posted like two nights ago.....yeah I got attacked by sleep. Once that happens, chances are I will not be fully up again until the next day.

That is one thing I have noticed now with my sleeping schedule. late nights are no more. Staying up late to watch things is such a joke now and even trying to plan things late on a Thursday night is hilarious to me now.

Things have so changed in my life in a matter of months...in the heart, body, and mind. But to the topic at hand.

Many people see me on Facebook and I think they automatically assume that I am this walking, talking, Bible toting saint. While to some, that would be seen as a compliment but for me eeehhhh, it seems to be a little bit of a HUGE responsibility that I died on no one's Cross for.

Ever since I was young, like really young, I know God had His eyes on me. And this is not to sound cocky at all because when I was younger I kind of did not like the extra attention. I wanted to be like everyone else - carefree. I wanted to be mischievous and laugh things off and be able to use the excuse of "well I was young & stupid" but God always gave me this extremely, ripe understanding of Him and His teachings in almost every situation.

So where as people at my age wouldn't pay too much attention to what they were doing, me on the other hand because I had a certain understanding of the Word, it was hard for me to be careless about the decisions I made, even at the age of 10.

And now you can see how much of a toll that could be on a young girl. I really wanted to be like everyone else and believe me I have tried but it's like once God opens your understanding about things, its really hard to look over it....at least it was for me.


So after a while, it got to a point for me that I knew that I couldn't really act like I didnt understand where God was placing me. I couldn't just do things without thinking about them, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO MY MOTHER!

OMG...that whole text "Honor thy Father & thy Mother" had me bent EVERY SINGLE TIME I thought about doing something that could even put a tear in my mother's eye. Even things counted as small, made me think really hard....and then I lost my dad at the age 12 and more wisdom poured within me. Death became real to me. It matured me in a way because it showed me that the one thing man cannot control is death, therefore because we don't know the day or the hour that a person will pass away, we have to give them their roses while they can smell them.

That's why even when my mother gets on my last nerves, I will never dishonor her. If she needs something I will always stop what I am doing to handle things for her.


BUT BACK TO THIS WHOLE CHRISTIAN TALK, RIGHT???

You guys, my walk as a Christian is not perfect. And it is for that reason, that I am learning how important it is to be able to rely on Someone bigger than I. A lot of the times, the things I post on Facebook is me talking to myself and hoping that it may help someone else.

I know that some people have unfriended me on Facebook because I talk about Jesus a little bit too much. I know I have people on there right now who still are my friends but talk about me and my post.....AND THEN TURN AROUND AND STILL HIT THAT LIKE BUTTON. Oh yeah, I know these types of people still exist as well, however, I just feel like Jesus is way more important than that.

And He is showing me just how important He is because He is allowing me to see my flaws. Especially throughout college. He showed me the real reason why I need His blood to cover my sins. I could get all deep but I will just make it plain - I SUCK! I am a procrastinator, sometimes I can be soooo lazy, I have an attitude that many don't know about because God checks me FIRST,  and fighting sexual temptation has been workshop I have yet to graduate from. In other words, MAHALIA HAS HER OWN SET OF ISSUES.

Now I know there are those who's reading this and are like "how do I know this is worth believing"? "Why would I believe in the first place?" "Where is the proof in this man giving His life for me...what sense does that make?" And I will tell you this.....

Having a relationship with Jesus is not about you, it's about Him and His Kingdom. I am actually learning this now that His Love is not given to us because of us but because of Him...He knows what we need as human beings to survive this harsh world. With everything going on nowadays would you seriously just want to believe that there is no meaning to it? I WOULD GO CRAZY, personally.

I would lose my mind if I believed that, death...rapes, molestation, fear, heartache, pain. disease...all this horrible stuff had not one meaning. Not only that but many times, God will make Himself real in your situation. NOT MINE, BUT YOURS :)

Ever had those moments happen, when things just went so right in a wrong situation? I mean so right that it went way past the level of "chance" but it worked out perfectly? Everyone has had those moments, and if you haven't then man oh man... just wait on it.

To put it simply, that was God.

And I am learning how to take one day at a time, admit my flaws and also how to take God's Hands and guide me through the way. Honestly, alot of the fight is within myself because it's like once you stand in the mirror and you truly look at that reflection of yourself, it can be one of the hugest wake up calls you could ever get.

What happens when your reflection of yourself looks nothing like what you thought?

I have been trying to answer that daily. Along with that question is the question of "What kind of Christian am I?" To be honest, I am constantly finding that out. I wish I had this wise quote or saying to make you back up from your computer and think but I don't.

I am still figuring me out.

Many times people are so stuck with trying to have the answer instantly that they miss the whole purpose of the process. I just don't want to miss that process y'all. Miss that process trying to be perfect for the critiques of others. We all fall short of His glory.

Guess I can finally conclude this blog on this rainy night....more to come laterz!

God loves you and so do I!