I had low self esteem. I really don't know or understand where it came from. When I was younger, it was weird for me. I had moments when I was so confident in myself but once my zone of confidence was challenged I ran for cover.
I guess I had this thing about being challenged which I feel like stemmed from my fear of not being good enough. I remember in elementary school, I really craved having my big brother around. During that time he was in the Army, he joined when he was around 17 and well my brother is 14 years older than me. So when he left I was either 6 or 7 at the time. I remember even at that young of an age, craving for male attention. I wanted someone, a man (who truly only wanted what was best for me) to have that loving bond with. I guess because my biological father wasn't present I figured my brother was the next best thing.
Well my brother grow up and grow out. He started a family of my own and for a period of time, I felt hurt. I was hurt because I felt that I was just forgotten about. I felt like I didn't really have enough time to enjoy being the apple of his eye. Wow...I guess I really did nominate my brother for the "Male Role Model Of The Year" Award. As I grew up, I started to understand that my brother had his own life to live and he had the right to love and create his own family. Although he was the main male figure in my life at that point, I had to let him leave the nest with no hard feelings..or pressures for that matter.
Well time progressed, I got older and then I went through my fat phase. I was almost 200lbs..which was big for me. It showed all in my face..I was a size 14. I thought that was my normal at first until I seen a picture of myself and was totally disgusted. I told myself that just could not be my life and by the ending of my senior year in High School, I started my journey towards losing those pounds and learning how to be more comfortable in my own skin. It was not easy but it was soooo worth it.
When college began, originally I was just stuck on getting use to being the only piece of color in my class, or on a bus, or in a bathroom or even in a certain section in the gym. My neighborhood consisted of majority Blacks & Hispanics....so rarely did I encounter diversity. So when I started my new life at Texas A&M University......having Culture Shock was not even the word to use to describe how very uncomfortable I felt. Eventually, I learned how to be confident enough to not worry about the possible stereotypes that could arise due to my color....but I still was very aware that they were there.
When it came to relationships in college, I always knew that I was a catch. I did. I shall not lie lol. I never for once thought that I deserved anything outside of what was the best for me. I told my mom the other day that it was because of how I seen the women in my family struggle with [when it came to relationships] that I was determined to allow God to show my heart who was the right one for me. Not my eyes, not my thoughts, not my ideas, not my expectations but God showing my heart where home was.
Not only that, but even in high school and definitely in college, I thought about my future kids and how I wanted them to have everything that I didn't ---- the true, intimate love of their biological father. So that's what has helped me not settle when it came to the relationship department.
Overall, half the time, I can only say that it was God that kept my mind steady and my confidence high enough to not pay too much attention to the devil's lies. You know, the one tactic that I've used to help fight self esteem is transparency. Just being plain ole honest about what you have to offer, right now - right at this moment. When I started seeing people as humans instead of the position they held, I started to really feel at ease about myself.
Not only seeing people as humans but also seeing people as their passions. Day in and day out we are taught to work hard, that sleepless nights are the ways of successful. We become so absorb by our wanting to be better that we fail to live. I want to live. Yes, I want to be successful but man do I want to live.
My faith in God helps me understand that this world is not meant to be here forever, HOWEVER, God placed this Earth here for us as a gift yet we are the one who change His intentions into something else. So I've come to understand that this life too was meant to be enjoyed, while we are here. Day in and day out I see people mold themselves or attach themselves to temporary things. Well I guess I see things differently. A little different from how I use to see things 3 or 4 years ago.
I desire for my life to be fulfilling. And by fulfilling, I do mean spiritually first simply because your spiritual health will determine how enjoyable your natural life is. And no it is not all about just saying "Jesus" all day. There is so much connected to our spiritual lives....right down to the jobs we go to or our walks to our classes. Life means nothing if it has no meaning.
I desire to have passion. I truly want to live an intentional life, not through the eyes of how others feel my life should be. I want it to be lead by God (because it just feels good to know you have Someone to rely on besides yourself) and I just want to love the life I am living right now.
Confidence comes when you are content where you are, right now, right at this moment. It's so easy to miss life when you are living it through the eyes of someone else. What's your vision? Where are you trying to go? Are you happy? Where does your confidence lie? I know that I am really working hard on focusing on my Walk with Christ more because this change of pace in my life RIGHT NOW.....maaannnn....it's making me rethink & refocus.
Do you need to refocus? It's cool if you do. We all need to do it daily or we will be complacent with where we are. I learned this in college and I am definitely learning this now. My confidence can only manifest when my focus is on Him. That's how it works for me....how does it work for you?
Weeeeeelllllll...I need to hop off of here. There is work that needs to be done. Love you all and ...
#HAPPYHUMPDAY
No comments:
Post a Comment