Letting Go Of the Pain of My Past: Dear Someone.....Here's An Open Letter to You

Letting go of past pains is hard. I know that because I am currently dealing with this and it has not been a walk in the park. My heart was broken by someone closest to me and I am to this day still figuring out the meaning behind it all.

As a believer, I know that God has a bigger picture, so therefore, I would like to be open with whatever direction He has for me. But if I can be completely real with you, putting all lessons learned aside....I am still hurt.

I am hurt because I trusted this person completely and my trust was broken. (And to my little nosey Nancys and Neds no, I will not name any names).

If you would have asked me years ago if I would feel this way, I would have told you, "Of course not! Our bond is something that is unique!" However, now, as I look at the remnants of what is left of a relationship I can't help but wonder what is God's plan for all of this.

Trust has been something I have tried to piece together since I was young. It went from having trust issues with men to having trust issues with women. For men, not one man, including my biological father, seemed to love me enough to take my trust seriously. And by trust, I do not mean just being there as a father figure, I mean showing me that my love was worth building an insurmountable wall of trust. 

For women, well I didn't really deal with "in my face" jealousy until I got into high school and college. But the craziest thing was, it was people right in my circle! Well it's crazy but at the same time realistic according to life ( and Facebook #lifegoal memes).

And I don't say this to reopen any part of this wound that may have started to heal, but I am typing this to truly began to heal and then to move forward with my life. This particular post isn't for anyone but myself this time because I need to let go of what has been holding me down for a little while now. I am tired of the pressure that holding this in has caused and I don't want to step into a new year with these sad fatal tendencies.

I believe detox starts with honesty. So can I just be honest with my readers??

Well honestly, I do not want to go back to what we use to have. Honestly, I feel that it has lost it's meaning now due to the issues we've had in our past. This isn't to be mean, but I do think that these things needed to happen or else I would not have matured as I have.

In a perfect world, I do wish that I could just forget how this person hurt me. I pray that I can one day be like Christ in this instance, where He makes the frequent choice of forgiving our sins and still being a loving God there after. I'm working on that....

I just want to be done with the semi bitterness that has grown in my heart. I have a certain amount of uneasiness when I am around this person and it is really exhausting because I DO NOT know what to call what we now have. I still feel lied to, I still feel uncared for, I still feel worthless and I just feel hurt.

The crazy thing is that I know peace comes from letting go but for the longest I have been  trying to figure out what does that mean in its entirety. Am I to let go of the situation or let go of the person?

I feel like God may have answered my question but then again I feel like I am still waiting on an answer...(see I am just confused LOLOLOL). 

But this is what I do know:

1. I am still healing from the hurt
2. I don't want to recreate what we "had"
3. I would love for us to someday have something totally new and more amazing through God's grace
4. I don't want this pain anymore

I really don't want the pain of this grief anymore. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of talking to my mom about it lol. I am just over this repetitive cycle of confusion. 

So I guess when I say let go I mean, let life happen.

Free myself from the chains of my thoughts. The sentencing of my confusion and the hands of the enemy. I desire to be free in means of letting God truly take control of this and also letting go of trying to control the outcome of this situation. I think one reason I keep holding on so tightly is because of the fact that I feel I have some sort of true obligation when  all along I have just been trying to do God's job.

Dear Someone,

I truly love you with all my heart but I can no longer be the one to try to help you find your happiness. After all we have gone through, I would love to say that the Lord still has a plan for us and I believe He does. What I am trying to figure out is in what way that is. Things have changed yet they are still the same because I am still hurt and am still healing. I want you to be loved and to truly understand what true love is but I can not be the one to provide that for you, only God can. I have tried and I've ended up being bitter honestly. I know this is wrong,and I know this isn't what God wants from me to you. So because I want Him to have His ultimate way in the both of our lives I choose to let go. Letting go doesn't mean no communication, it doesn't mean the care has to stop but it does mean that I need to move, move from every area where God needs to be in your life. I think my bitterness comes from the fact that I've been placed in an area where I don't even belong. I'm abusing myself on the account of me trying to be where I shouldn't. I trust that God has something amazing planned for you but I don't think this will happen if I am still standing in the way trying to protect you from possible tears.

I need to remove myself from God's position and play the background for now and when it is time for me to be center stage again (if that is His Will) then He will pass me the mic. For now, I will love you from the audience.

Yours Truly,

Mahalia

It's crazy, God just revealed to me another piece of the puzzle. Looks like I am truly starting to detox.

And I'm so excited!!! I am starting to finally breath again :)