Giving Too Much of Myself

Am I giving too much of myself?

I have often been asking myself this question. It's actually been a reoccuring question in my life as of lately.

What type of person am I?

I love to see people have joy. Some may call this being a people pleaser but it runs deeper than just that for me. I enjoy showing Christ's love through my actions. I know I can't be everywhere at once and that is never my M.O. But what I do enjoy is showing those around me that Christ is real by showing His love because oh so often now a days we just don't see it. 

However, what is so discouraging is the fact that people tend to get so attached to that love, those actions that they completely miss the fact that I am human as well. I get tired. I get overwhelmed and I only get 24hrs in a day like everyone else. Yet I can't help but feel those disappointing vibes being thrown my way when I slip up.

I want to be who God desires me to be. I want to express His love freely and I am learning how to experience what He means when it comes to "showing His love" to others. The main thing He is showing me is how important it is to have boundaries around my peace and well, not too many people like that. 

It's funny, it is as if the more He opens my heart, the more He disciplines my soul that directs it. He is showing me that Mahalia can't be everything to everyone but she can be who He desires her to be for whom He desires. So that means change is required and man has it been happening. 

My circle of friends are even different and as I experience that new part in my life I notice I am even at peace about that. I use to be concerned about "what if others don't see my genuine intentions as a friend?" I worried so much about how others perceived me and although that's not all bad:

A good name is more desirable than great riches;

    to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. - Proverbs 22:1

It should only be important if God places it in my heart, not because of fear. I've allowed fear to control my life since I can remember. I've allowed the urgency to seek acceptance from others around me, control me and my thoughts. I am so over it.

My love for God is how and why I give so much of myself and unfortunately, many people seem to misconstrue my love for Him as my love of acceptance from them. Now don't get me wrong, it has taken me a long time to speak with so much confidence. I have dealt with many things to get me to this point but my biggest portion comes from the strength I gain from my Heavenly Father.

And I know that if I am allowing Him to lead me, then yes, I will give a lot of myself but that also means He is pouring a lot of Himself into me, if I allow Him.

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Bucketlist #1 - Discipline /// Getting Back Fit

So I have been going through this weird workshop where God has been forcing me to really "adult" and pay attention to things I need to work on within myself.

With Discipline being the main facet He is bringing to my attention, taking care of my body, my temple, has really been chasing after me. With every extra cookie I eat, with every ounce of water I don't drink...there is a little voice in the back of my head saying..."Girl....you getting big."

Which I have.....

During the conclusion of my undergrad, I lost a lot of weight & inches. I was alot more fit than I am now and it definitely shows in the wrong places, including my face. I am known to get the infamous pie face if I eat one too many sweet things.....sigh.

This is me.....or at least how I feel lol

As I take a deeper look into my whole "Getting my sexy back" era, I began to feel uneasy because me cutting down on my eating portions and exercising more wasn't due to me taking charge of having a healthier lifestyle. Nope, my reason was a lot more surface level than that. I just had a fear of being big again.

Although I won't go into my "bigums" story again (check out my blog: Father Figures, Weight, & Confidence). But yes, I have a big girl story that changed my life and from then on, I made somewhat of a silent promise to myself that I would never allow myself to get that big again.

This may seem like a great way to think, right? Somewhat of a motivation? Well the only downside to this kind of motivation is that, if the fear isn't present then I am not assertive and lately....that fear has not been a focal point in my day to day.

So here's the kicker, I go to get an ID made and I look at my picture (this is with my glasses off) and I see the infamous pie face that I despise oh so much...it was a mess! As I squinted my eyes, I saw all of the extra cookies during my lunch at work, all of the extra apple pies I get from Whataburger, all of the gummy worms and whatever else saying 'Hello' to me on the computer screen.  #RealityBitesBack


The crazy thing about that moment is, as soon as the fear came, it disappeared. as I stared at the adult Mahalia. It was as if I came to the realization that I am an adult now and although I hate having a pie face, there are different factors that contribute to who I am now, in comparison to who I was when I was in college. It was a peaceful, calming thought.

HOWEVER..........

I am still not down with the whole pie face game, it's not what I prefer. So I know that I need to do something about it. After having that moment of acceptance, I learned that fear is just no longer a motivation for me to become fit. I have to become fit because I desire to. It has to be a lifestyle, not a weight lost challenge. My motivation has to simply be focused on, loving my temple enough to take care of her. I see it as a way of worship also. A way of thanking God for what He has provided me with, being humble and gracious of HIS Grace upon me.


So that's where I am you guys and I will definitely keep you posted during this experience!

Until next time ;)

Bucketlist #1 - Discipline

Hebrews 12 really struck a nerve for me. As I have been adulting this thing called life, I have started to notice the things I need to work on as a woman in Christ and rarely has it been easy. Lately, God has been pointing out how much discipline I lack in almost ever aspect of my life. And let me tell you, blow after blow after blow has been a little unnerving, unsettling and to make it plain for the saints, its been disappointing. 

So after seeing this scripture on my Bible app, I knew that I had to stop running from what God was trying to show me.

One thing I can say I have struggled with is not allowing my emotions to change my plans. Its not good for friendships, the corporate world or even my own personal life. Many times, I would plan to do something and then almost as quickly as the weather changes, so would my mood and everything that I had previously planned. So what would happen next?.....well you guessed it...NOTHING BUT A BALL OF LAZINESS.

IT is so sad  but I have to be honest with myself. I guess it would ultimately depend on how much of a priority it truly is with me. When I know that someone is truly counting on me to deliver, I do it with a quickness, however, if at all I may seem to have a little wiggle room to change my mind - by George you better believe I most likely will. So you know after doing committing to this bad habit for definitely my entire college career once it enters into a new fascade of your life it just becomes draining. 

I want people to rely on me, to be able to count on me and not just look at me and think  I am a gaping black hole of slothfulness and unreliability. So with prayer and determination, I plan to allow God to mold all that is me into who I need to be, starting with Discipline. Not sure if that will be going to bed a specific time everyday, going to workout on a weekly bases or just reading my Scriptcha' daily. 

Its time to grow spiritually and the only way to do that is by accepting my flaws, calling them bad boys out on the floor and allowing God to lead them out of my life instead of allowing them to lead my life.

I'll keep you updated ;)                                                                    

  

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