Well, one day my mom came into my room and handed me a purple and white spiraled notebook and told me, "Mahalia, if you ever feel like you can't talk about how you are feeling. you write all of your thoughts in this." My mom has always been amazing at picking up vibes from her kids (even if we didn't want to admit it). Anywho, I took the opportunity and have been hooked on writing out my thoughts ever since (hence this blog).
The BEST part of journaling is that as time moves on you get to relive moments in your life. No, wait, I lied. The best part of journaling is that you get to literally hear and see yourself grow up. It's crazy! And as weird and uncomfortable as it may be at times, it is totally worth it. So since graduation, besides overloading myself with job applications, I have been reading old journals.
The main journal I have been embarrassing myself over is the issue of : "The Adventures of Mahalia & the Confused Heart" (that's pure sarcasm btw, I never title any of my journals...). This black bound, cardboard journal was nothing less than a masterpiece of a confused heart. A heart that was trying to hold on to something that I believe God Himself was trying to release. Not only that but a confused heart can also be a beast at poetry. Page after page was filled with stanza after stanza, rhythm after rhythm of a young woman trying to let go of an idea.
An idea that was holding her back from her own personal growth. Now this is not meant to be a tell all of an ex but rather a tell all of myself. Many times, we get so confused about why we are standing still. We constantly get frustrated day in and day out because we just cant seem to be moving in the "Right" direction. I was in a toxic relationship that I knew was not for my good. I tried to fit a square peg in a round hole for waaaaay too long so instead of making the tough decision my mind and spirit was instructing me to do and leave, I stayed in a relationship that tore me down, confused me, emotionally abused me, disrespected me, haunted me, kept me up at night, took away my appetite (probably is what helped me lose weight), distracted me and ultimately brought me closer to God.
You know you are in a bad place when you get to a point of saying to yourself, " I don't know how I will even be able to move forward without him/her". That's bad yall for multiple reasons but the main reason is that you are allowing someone else to define you. A human being, just like you define who you are even though your destiny has already been predestined by the One Who created our entire being. I knew I was in a bad place when I had that initial thought but sadly I wasn't released from that craziness completely until 2 years later.
What else can I say? I was stupid but at that time I thought I was in love and if the old me knew then what I know now, I would have let that go as soon as I seen that he wasn't making me a priority. If I could talk to the old me who was writing these tear stained journal entries that I am now reading, I would tell her that this heartbreak will grow me in such a way that I will never be the same. The one thing I learned is that the wrong love can take the innocence away that the right love truly deserves. Holding on to something that isn't yours can make such an impression on you that you literally have to learn how to trust and truly love again. I somewhat regret leaving myself in such a situation because the innocence of trust, true understanding and compassion disappeared to a certain extent.
When you finally meet the right person and they come along after the wrong one, you constantly wish you could give them that fresh spark they honestly deserve. But it's hard because of the fact that you've already seen the dark face of 'Unloved'. You already know what it's like to not be able to trust, and to have your guard up. It's like having a disease that is so consuming that your own body is fighting against you. It's as if you are fighting against your own team. Suddenly you notice yourself trying to find pieces of evidence to hold on to just prove to yourself that you weren't tripping, love was somewhere.
It's God! It is God who can revive a heart, and bless it to beat with a new, better rhythm. I am grateful. I learned that a revived heart meant leaving the past in the past. Letting sleeping dogs lie (no pun intended). I had to trust God enough to move forward with no knowledge of what that meant for my heart. I had to discipline myself to succumb to His Will for me. Sometimes the hardest thing is to tell yourself "No" and that your original plan was wrong. This also may mean starting over which can be such a heinous task but all I know is that once you make it to where ever God is trying to take you to you will then be able to see that He knew what He was doing all along.
This situation, although it sucked, gave me strength to love me! Most importantly, it showed me God's love in a way that only a broken heart can translated. He showed me His compassion and understanding that can not be received from a person or thing. It gives you self assurance. I can now say that if my heart was broken tomorrow, I'll get through it because He is so my strength. I pray that no one who reads this will ever have to go through the tragedy of a broken heart but yall can I just say that if it took all that just for me to discover true peace and joy then it was totally worth it! The confidence I have now is powered by the best renewal resource known to mankind and it's God's Love.
Suddenly that right person, right job, right car, right opportunity, RIGHT YOU comes along and then you're like "Ooooooook God, I get it now" :)
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