So last night a few of my college buddies and I attended an amazing Poetry Slam in Houston, Texas. We all laughed, caught each other up on the latest in each of our lives and made jokes about how it seemed that some of the women there not only was ready to hear some poetry but also was ready to find a husband too. (It's nothing new at events like these. There's something about these artsy things that make black women think LOVE JONES instead of the actual purpose which is LOVE CHRIST. Buuuutttt anywho, I digress.)
As we found our seats and the lights lowered, we were all ready to have the ultimate experience that we have always imagined and seen on YouTube! I can't speak for all of my comrades but as the amazing words of Ezekiel, Jackie Hill-Perry, Preston Perry, and Janette..IKZ infiltrated my ears it also pierced my heart and broke the glass of forgetfulness around my memory regarding things of my past.
What if I told you that the things that you've gone through, even those you've forgotten (or wanted to forget) can effect the livelihood of your daily life? I always knew I had an interesting sex drive.(Not to say that I want to put my business out there but I am just going to let the Lord guide my fingers). I figured that it was just my hormones raging due to young age, normal right?
Well as I stated earlier, last night, I was so convicted of my sexual impurity and the Lord allowed my mind to wonder and to really dissect where it all came from. As Jackie Hill - Perry approached the mic and spoke of her struggle as a homosexual (she is now married by the way...to a guy lol) the conviction laid hard on myself. The chains that were wrapped around my memory began to loosen and tears began to form as the reality of a portion of my life surfaced.
My sexual impurity began long before I even reached puberty, it actually started in elementary school with a little girl about my age at that time. I still remember her name, I still remember her how she looks...I remember her. I remember being at school one day and we were watching a movie at that time and she asked me "Can I touch you"? Although, majority the details of that day are now vague I do remember us being under a sheet and her guiding my hands to her private places that usually little children our age should have been ignorant of. I remember her hands invading my private places as well. I remember quickly retracting my hand and then going to the restroom. I was completely confused at my curiosity and embarrassed because I knew it was wrong. She then followed me to the bathroom and then into the same stall I was in and tried to touch on me again. I pushed her off and then we never really spoke after that. Every encounter after that was awkward and weird. (Yall this is so hard...)
As years progressed, I struggled a lot with having sexual thoughts & desires ...long before hitting puberty and when I did, it seemed that everything was times 10! It was something that seemed so uncontrollable, especially when I was younger because I didn't have the understanding of where it all originated from.
A few years later, I also learned that molestation took place in my family as well. It shook my world completely, I never looked at men the same way again. From that point forward, I was paranoid of pretty much all men I encountered. I never wanted to be left alone with them and my trust level for any and every man was at an all time low. In my head it was plain, "if someone who I am this close with can do this then there is no telling what a perfect stranger can do to me".
I struggled you guys for so many years. I cried so many nights about why did this have to take place in my family. Why couldn't I have a normal family who's intentions were purely out of love and not an ulterior motive? Why God?
The interesting thing about it all was that after finding out about the molestation, it made it all the more easier for me to wait until marriage. It made me not place myself in any uncompromising positions, it made me not trust a smiling face, it made me wiser. It's funny how God can really use a devastating moment in your life and turn it into something worth living for.
Last night, God used that time to really allow me to see how great HE really is. Once I thought about all the things that have taken place in my life and the roads I could have turn to because of them, tears flowed heavy from my eyes. All I could do was tell the Lord "Thank You for Delivering Me". All it takes is one unfortunate incident for us, as humans, to walk away from the love of Christ. All it takes is one misguided child or one family secret to have you move in another direction.
I know that this is a longer post than usual, so I thank you all who have made it to this point but what I want to say is that no matter what the Devil tries to use for your destruction, God already has a plan to protect you through it and to see you out. We all have dirty clothes in our hamper of life. We all have things that we are not proud of. We all have things in our past that we had no control of but those things are just evidence of the broken world we live in. IT IS NOT EVIDENCE OF A NON-EXISTING GOD!
Let me tell you that my struggle of sexual sin is not easy. I am most definitely a work in progress. The Devil definitely used different baits to hook me onto his lies and away from the grace and mercy of the Lord. That little girl in elementary school, the molestation in my family, and during my freshman year in college I was even introduced to porn. HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO BAIT ME FOR YEARS.
When he tries different things in your life, take note, write it down and bring it to the Lord. Present them to Him and understand that when different things seem to be happening in your life it's not directly for you. You may be directly hit but this is the devil indirectly trying to have shots fired at the Lord.The devil knows what we are His soft spot, we are His children and as any parent would be, He is very protective. I have had to come to this conclusion to not hold grudges and to allow love to still enter into my heart.
So some might ask, Mahalia....why would you put all your business out here for the world to see? Well, in the words of Preston Perry last night,
"Your freedom is worth my embarrassment."
I don't mind a few people judging me because I know that through every shot fired He will protect me and HE is worth knowing. He saved me from the possible direction of homosexuality due to my first sexual encounter. He saved my life you guys! So to you who may be afraid or may have experienced what I have or even worst, please know what although certain things can enter our lives at such young ages, God was still there. How do I know? The flowing of blood through your veins and the breath in your lungs is proof enough.
God created you with a divine purpose, one that can never be destroyed by the enemy so take that and run with Him! Trust Him and continue to walk into your ultimate, unrelenting, unmoving destiny! I hope this has help someone as much as last night helped me!
Stay in the fight! You are worth fighting for!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment