Giving Too Much of Myself

Am I giving too much of myself?

I have often been asking myself this question. It's actually been a reoccuring question in my life as of lately.

What type of person am I?

I love to see people have joy. Some may call this being a people pleaser but it runs deeper than just that for me. I enjoy showing Christ's love through my actions. I know I can't be everywhere at once and that is never my M.O. But what I do enjoy is showing those around me that Christ is real by showing His love because oh so often now a days we just don't see it. 

However, what is so discouraging is the fact that people tend to get so attached to that love, those actions that they completely miss the fact that I am human as well. I get tired. I get overwhelmed and I only get 24hrs in a day like everyone else. Yet I can't help but feel those disappointing vibes being thrown my way when I slip up.

I want to be who God desires me to be. I want to express His love freely and I am learning how to experience what He means when it comes to "showing His love" to others. The main thing He is showing me is how important it is to have boundaries around my peace and well, not too many people like that. 

It's funny, it is as if the more He opens my heart, the more He disciplines my soul that directs it. He is showing me that Mahalia can't be everything to everyone but she can be who He desires her to be for whom He desires. So that means change is required and man has it been happening. 

My circle of friends are even different and as I experience that new part in my life I notice I am even at peace about that. I use to be concerned about "what if others don't see my genuine intentions as a friend?" I worried so much about how others perceived me and although that's not all bad:

A good name is more desirable than great riches;

    to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. - Proverbs 22:1

It should only be important if God places it in my heart, not because of fear. I've allowed fear to control my life since I can remember. I've allowed the urgency to seek acceptance from others around me, control me and my thoughts. I am so over it.

My love for God is how and why I give so much of myself and unfortunately, many people seem to misconstrue my love for Him as my love of acceptance from them. Now don't get me wrong, it has taken me a long time to speak with so much confidence. I have dealt with many things to get me to this point but my biggest portion comes from the strength I gain from my Heavenly Father.

And I know that if I am allowing Him to lead me, then yes, I will give a lot of myself but that also means He is pouring a lot of Himself into me, if I allow Him.

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Bucketlist #1 - Discipline /// Getting Back Fit

So I have been going through this weird workshop where God has been forcing me to really "adult" and pay attention to things I need to work on within myself.

With Discipline being the main facet He is bringing to my attention, taking care of my body, my temple, has really been chasing after me. With every extra cookie I eat, with every ounce of water I don't drink...there is a little voice in the back of my head saying..."Girl....you getting big."

Which I have.....

During the conclusion of my undergrad, I lost a lot of weight & inches. I was alot more fit than I am now and it definitely shows in the wrong places, including my face. I am known to get the infamous pie face if I eat one too many sweet things.....sigh.

This is me.....or at least how I feel lol

As I take a deeper look into my whole "Getting my sexy back" era, I began to feel uneasy because me cutting down on my eating portions and exercising more wasn't due to me taking charge of having a healthier lifestyle. Nope, my reason was a lot more surface level than that. I just had a fear of being big again.

Although I won't go into my "bigums" story again (check out my blog: Father Figures, Weight, & Confidence). But yes, I have a big girl story that changed my life and from then on, I made somewhat of a silent promise to myself that I would never allow myself to get that big again.

This may seem like a great way to think, right? Somewhat of a motivation? Well the only downside to this kind of motivation is that, if the fear isn't present then I am not assertive and lately....that fear has not been a focal point in my day to day.

So here's the kicker, I go to get an ID made and I look at my picture (this is with my glasses off) and I see the infamous pie face that I despise oh so much...it was a mess! As I squinted my eyes, I saw all of the extra cookies during my lunch at work, all of the extra apple pies I get from Whataburger, all of the gummy worms and whatever else saying 'Hello' to me on the computer screen.  #RealityBitesBack


The crazy thing about that moment is, as soon as the fear came, it disappeared. as I stared at the adult Mahalia. It was as if I came to the realization that I am an adult now and although I hate having a pie face, there are different factors that contribute to who I am now, in comparison to who I was when I was in college. It was a peaceful, calming thought.

HOWEVER..........

I am still not down with the whole pie face game, it's not what I prefer. So I know that I need to do something about it. After having that moment of acceptance, I learned that fear is just no longer a motivation for me to become fit. I have to become fit because I desire to. It has to be a lifestyle, not a weight lost challenge. My motivation has to simply be focused on, loving my temple enough to take care of her. I see it as a way of worship also. A way of thanking God for what He has provided me with, being humble and gracious of HIS Grace upon me.


So that's where I am you guys and I will definitely keep you posted during this experience!

Until next time ;)

Bucketlist #1 - Discipline

Hebrews 12 really struck a nerve for me. As I have been adulting this thing called life, I have started to notice the things I need to work on as a woman in Christ and rarely has it been easy. Lately, God has been pointing out how much discipline I lack in almost ever aspect of my life. And let me tell you, blow after blow after blow has been a little unnerving, unsettling and to make it plain for the saints, its been disappointing. 

So after seeing this scripture on my Bible app, I knew that I had to stop running from what God was trying to show me.

One thing I can say I have struggled with is not allowing my emotions to change my plans. Its not good for friendships, the corporate world or even my own personal life. Many times, I would plan to do something and then almost as quickly as the weather changes, so would my mood and everything that I had previously planned. So what would happen next?.....well you guessed it...NOTHING BUT A BALL OF LAZINESS.

IT is so sad  but I have to be honest with myself. I guess it would ultimately depend on how much of a priority it truly is with me. When I know that someone is truly counting on me to deliver, I do it with a quickness, however, if at all I may seem to have a little wiggle room to change my mind - by George you better believe I most likely will. So you know after doing committing to this bad habit for definitely my entire college career once it enters into a new fascade of your life it just becomes draining. 

I want people to rely on me, to be able to count on me and not just look at me and think  I am a gaping black hole of slothfulness and unreliability. So with prayer and determination, I plan to allow God to mold all that is me into who I need to be, starting with Discipline. Not sure if that will be going to bed a specific time everyday, going to workout on a weekly bases or just reading my Scriptcha' daily. 

Its time to grow spiritually and the only way to do that is by accepting my flaws, calling them bad boys out on the floor and allowing God to lead them out of my life instead of allowing them to lead my life.

I'll keep you updated ;)                                                                    

  

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The Bucketlist || Discovering New Joys In My Life

Ever been in a place in your life where you want to do something amazing and out of the ordinary? I think I am at that point now.

Sometimes, after going through the same things or types of things again and again....you are ready for a change.

I am at a point in my life where I need to endure a personal change, a change that requires me to change the way I usually envision my daily life. Sometimes I feel that I missed my chance in college. College is usually the time that young adults try everything in the book before we officially began the adulting process...it's kind of like going through puberty all of over again except instead of getting a period every month I just get bills.

Anyways, life for me has been so weird lately. Everything has been changing in my life and most of it seems to be out of my control. From relationships to personal endeavours, I feel like I have been embedding my life so much into everything but discovering the joy that the Lord has creatively created in my life.

I am ready for a change to say the least but it's not the type of change that I usually look forward to. I say that because I am such a Starter. Starter - I create different ideas, I start off with tons of amazing ideas with no earthly idea of how I will go about it. So then my "Starter project" is left open ended and I am left looking unreliable and unmotivated.

As a now 24 year old, my desires have changed alot since first leaving college, I desire to have true joy in my life. Now as a "Starter" this sounds like another project is about to peak it's head around the corner. The biggest thing is that I want to value where God has me right now.

I desire joy!

Creating a reasonable bucketlist is something I have always wanted to do but never had because I simply couldn't see anything truly coming to past. But since I am in this place awkward place in my life...why not?

I will keep you all posted ;)

Mahalia Is Out of Service...

Mahalia is dealing with her own issues okay? Not in some crazy, I am going to lose my mind way but in a way that I need to really focus and prioritize the "Grown Mahalia".

I am in such a new place in my adulting life but I am learning that there are many things that the new Mahalia just don't agree with that the old Mahalia clearly does. Especially when it comes to the relationships in my life.

I desire to love wholeheartedly, to love Christ's ppl as He loves the Church but I feel like to get to that point, I  need to shed some dead skin. I need to let go of some old ways of thinking. I need to let Mahalia fully grow up.What I am noticing is that, as the new "Adult version" of Mahalia comes into full bloom some decisions she is attempting to make doesn't fully make sense because the old, premature Mahalia still wants to play.

And see that's the problem....

Both versions can't coexist. It's impossible. In fact, when both try to move in together, it just ends up being plain, old, annoying, unproductive, confusing destruction.

So you see, I need to shed this dead skin. It is imperative that I loosen myself from old, childish habits. Many of these habits are insecurities, unresolved weaknesses that I have dealt with since being a child. Insecurities that made me question any ounce of God given talent I had. For example, in dance class I was so worried about what others thought that I literally overthought every move and couldn't remember a darn move, In choir, although in my head I could see myself effortlessly blowing crowds away with my strong, yet untamed voice, however, I lost my voice completely and lost my breath, momentum and confidence.

Mahalia just needs to deal with Mahalia and world I am so sorry if that means that I may be out of service temporarily. I apologize in advance if that means that she isn't as "supportive" as she always has been. I apologize if her temporary hiatus means that she has morphed into a "bad friend". I apologize if she removes herself from friendships that only drains her. I apologize in advance, for her deciding that her worth is more important than any relationship status. I so apologize that she knew what she deserved and finally accepted when she wasn't receiving that. I apologize for her coming off as unbothered or unconcerned during this period.

I do apologize. I apologize if this doesn't make sense but Mahalia needs to deal with Mahalia before she can deal with anyone else.

It's time for Mahalia to experience this new side of life that God has in store for her WITHOUT THE INSECURITIES!!!

I'm trying to be liked during this period of my life, I'm trying to be WHOLE.

C'est La Vie || Letting Go of Old Unhealthy Ways

Ever get tired of feeling like everyone else feels like they deserve a fulfilling life but you? They are entitled to a whole  life surrounded by loving, caring people but you. You spend countless hours of your own existence trying to make sure everyone else is happy with you, making sure you don't let them down and then you realize your worth and that is when everything hits the fan.

I am so tired of people expecting me to forget myself so that they can be comfortable. I am totally over that notion. You know I partially blame myself for it, I have always been a people pleaser. Wanting everybody and their mama to like me and my decisions. In fact, when I would make my decisions, I would think about what others would think about my decisions so that everything remains kosher, so that the seas remain calm.

Then one day, Mahalia decided to remove what was toxic in her life. Negative ways, negative people. She decided to really ask God, "is this working for my life?" She decided to really learn herself and love who she has discovered. Whenever she has done that, all of a sudden she is the totally opposite of what she has always been. Suddenly she is selfish, rude, uncaring, UNCHRISTIAN,  A TOTAL HYPOCRITE! ----- As I have gotten older, I am learning the importance of life being balanced and most importantly living life intentionally.


And sometimes...people just won't understand when it no longer benefits them.

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Why In The World Am I Living For Other People?

Hey there my lovely readers,

I am back with another topic that I deem necessary in my current status of life.  I know that it has been a few weeks,,,maybe even months since I've posted another piece to the puzzle of this blog but you know me, if I know that I am not putting my 150% into it  then I will NOT post it. Anywho, let us get to the topic at hand shall we?

So I am definitely getting use to the fact of the matter that my life is like a snow globe. As a believer, getting comfortable with your current life (and expecting it to remain that comfortable) is like playing a sick prank on your own self. As believers in Christ, we know that there is a time and a place for everything (just check out Ecclesiastes) and because of that, we know that our constant focus should be on the One who remains constant, Jesus Christ. Otherwise, it would be like us running around trying to catch a unicorn....the Unicorn of The Perfect Life.

My life is constantly changing and slowly but surely, I am becoming more aware and more okay with that lifestyle. But you see lately, my life has been changing a lot in ways of my own doing and frankly, I am so over it.

Prime example, my weekends. What's that???? I haven't a clue. What in the world is a weekend and how do I get one of those???? Yes, the beautiful weekends that those who work Mon - Fri grow to fall in love with. Its such a delicacy where you can stay up late Friday because you know you have Saturday to sleep in. Well my weekends now, have somehow become another Unicorn that, it seems, I am trying to catch now.

Whenever I would tell my mom that all I want to do is just stay home on the weekends, that woman laughs at me, gives me that "girl stop lying" face and instead just says, "Hmmmmm". She doesn't believe me but it's so the truth. Yet somehow, a fresh year filled with opportunity and adventure turns into a overloaded itinerary EVERY SINGLE TIME. I already know, a lot of you would ask:

"Mahalia, why don't you stop agreeing to do stuff?"

"Why don't you just ignore people?"

"Why do you keep saying yes???"

All amazing questions, I usually don't say yes to everything ( I can actually be quite lazy). Usually, the few things I do say yes to just finds its way on weekends sequentially. Now let me be clear, I don't mind hanging out with friends...seeing family...etc..but when it starts to take place almost every weekend for a few months straight then I know it's time to change somethings around, yet again.

Recently, I had to ask myself, "Why am I doing all of this? Do I not find it all enjoyable?" Well I had to be honest with myself, first off I know myself. I am an extroverted introvert (and thats a whole notha' blog). Anyways, I can be very social when I need to be but I gain all my energy from going home to a nice comfy bed ready to netflix & chill with my bed. I don't gain my energy by being around people, in fact, if I stay around people for too long, I start to get rude. ---Just being honest lol.

I love my quiet time to think and read, or watch a movie or to write.

So, why do I do this then? I don't like letting people down. If I can support someone, I try my best to because to have friends you must first be friendly. I know that I can't always stay cooped up at home with the arms of my bed around me. For one. my bed does not pay my bills lol. So I have to make sure that I keep things in perspective. Other people's feelings matter to me and I choose to night ignore it.

The problem comes in when people take that for granted, they expect you to be there because you always has and sometimes even ignore that you have feelings too. That's such a huge no no for me. Then you have to teach people, believe it or not. how to treat you. I don't mind having a heart of compassion and understanding when it comes to others and especially my love ones but even those I love sometimes have to be shown that I am not living for them.

Sometimes we find ourselves living for others and don't even know it. Sometimes by the time we figure it out, it's too late. So when you decide to take your life back, people will definitely look at you like you are crazy. They may even have the nerve to get mad because you decided to make a healthy choice for your life and not be so available. So be prepared, because it's coming. People may even call you selfish and completely forget about all of the other times you have been supportive. Be prepared for that too.

Please know that living a healthy life requires boundaries and those that truly love you will either understand that or move aside. A balanced life is a healthy life and although life is rarely balanced, aiming towards it can be just as great.

Trust God and let live!

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What My Dad's Death Taught Me

I lost my dad at the age of 12. It was such a weird age to lose a parent simply because usually you are so distracted with puberty that you really don't have time to think about the fact of one of your parents not being able to see you graduate from high school or college. Not being there to teach you how to drive or interrogate the man that you will one day marry. Thoughts like that never cross your mind at 12.

My dad suffered from colon cancer and let me be the first to say, seeing your parent deteriorate slowly in front of you can change your life. I remember visiting my father one day and finally seeing the reality of such a destructive disease. When my dad was healthy he was a huge guy, football player-esq. He was 6'4 and weighed, I am pretty sure, at least 200lbs. And I am pretty sure he is the reason why I love me a nice teddy bear of a man now.

My relationship with my dad, however, got better the sicker he became. With the illness, my dad began to prioritize his life and I believe, started to let go of fears that held him hostage all of his life. My relationship with him was not the easiest and although I loved him with all my heart, and still do, my father was also the reason why I had trust issues with men years after his departure.

I learned a lot from 'Bubba'. I got way more from him than just his looks, I gained perspective. After losing my father, I can definitely say I have valued my mom a lot more.  Before he died, I never thought about death. I never imagined life without my parents, because in the the back of my head I guess I just thought that they would always be there. PERIOD. Well that changed March 25th 2004 at 4:00 PM. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was at school when I was called to the front office. When I saw my mom she told me, "Mahalia, we are going to go see your father. Your sisters said he isn't doing well and wants to see all of his daughters."

This was nothing new to me, by this time, I was use to leaving school early because this had happened a few times before. On that overcast of a day, it was quiet and dark. When I got to my sisters house, although I was scared I walked in my father's room and saw him breathing heavily with a breathing machine. It was so weird seeing such a massive man become so submissive to a machine. I knew he knew I was in the room though although I didn't know what to say. I just stared and stood there in the weirdest way.

After being with him for about a few hours my mom and I decided to go home and as soon as we pulled into our driveway one of my sisters called her and told her that he passed away. I stared for a little bit and then when inside the house, sat in my red chair and turned on Full House (a tv show) without saying a word. I did not shed a tear until I saw my daddy in his casket.

To this day, I miss my father like crazy. I miss having the ability to say, "I am going to call daddy." or "I am going to go see my daddy." I hate that he missed a lot of my firsts like my prom, my graduations or my first heartbreak. He won't get a chance to meet the wonderful man that stole my heart either.

But do you know what? God had such a bigger plan for my dad. He needed my dad to grow up in a lot of ways and because God reigns supreme He ultimately knows what it will take for us to get it right so that we can get right with Him before it is too late. With that being said, I see my mom in a whole different light.

I see my mom as not only my mom but as some one who I owe the world to.

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#PressPlay2016 >>>>Join Me!!!!