Living While Black

In August of 2010, my life change immensely. It changed so much because it was from then on that I was made aware of my color. Not in a crazy, weird racially discriminatory way (I know that doesn't make much sense) but in a way that made me look through a more critical lens as an African American woman. I experienced Howdy Camp.

For those who are not aware, Howdy Camp is an amazing tradition at Texas A&M that immerses you into every single possible tradition that has kept the campus as alive as it is. It is actually pretty amazing (and yes I am bias) because it is kind of like an induction of "Mama, I made it in!". It's pretty great. While all of these extraordinary things were taking place, something even more interesting was taking place inside of me. I was analyzing my entire self lol.

I remember calling my mama, almost crying because I had never truly experienced being a true minority. Back in my neighborhood, it was majority blacks and hispanics and rarely whites or anyone else for that matter so therefore I was never pushed into a position to actually have to think about "What does it mean to be black?"

Well, I can honestly say, after my Howdy Camp experience, although it made me highly uncomfortable, it also gave me a reality check in regards to what the world was like outside of my ecosystem, 5th Ward, Houston, Tx. It helped me understand that life is a lot more critical due to the skin I am in. I would never erase that experience! It made me grow as a woman.

To all of my non-black readers, let me first say that this passage is not to make you feel bad about who God created you to be. You were placed in your skin for reason. With that being said, one thing I have learned after being in a world where I was probably a ratio of 5 out of 100 in a class room, life is different as a black person. It's just that simple.

I have noticed now that I have been getting comments such as, "Hey everything isn't about color" or "Calm down, stop tripping no one is paying attention to you like that." And it truly amazes me and peaks my curiosity at how great it must feel to live a life where you don't feel like you are constantly being criticized.

But reality is, being coated with this illustrious, deliciously rich melanin comes with great responsibility. We see parody videos on YouTube of all sorts but I can tell you right now, as much as I love who God made me, it is also very frustrating at times.

Many people would like to finally write off slavery and say that we need to move from the past. While I don't think we should use that as an excuse to stay stagnant, I do believe that we have to take in account that it is that very vital part of history that still effects us today.

I always tell others that aren't black that you never know how it feels to be black unless you are black and my opinion still stands. Living while black is something that is to be celebrated but at the same time comes with chains from the past as well as a possible contract towards the future. From the way I wear my hair, to how I speak, to what I say, to what I do, to how intelligent am I (really?), it is always being criticized as "a black thing".

When I was in school, I came across some people who had never been around a black person ever in their lives. Their only taste of the culture was via the Tube (The Cosby's or Fresh Prince of Bell-Air) so when I met these interesting people, they automatically approached me with and extra jerk in their neck or with some kind of ridiculous twang in their voice. So I am left looking at them with the strongest side eye.

Of course, due to stereotypes, I had to be aware of how I handled these situations because it can either go really well (i.e...I teach them that black people are just regular human beings) or really bad (i.e...I am labeled as the angry black woman for all other black women they later encounter)...yes this is real life! Living while black is a constant juggling game between making decisions based on how life should be and on how life really is.

I am pretty sure that other cultures have their own struggles. I will never overlook that. However, as a black woman, having to constantly prove myself from scratch in almost every new situation in fear of the mindset of others is a huge, life long responsibility. These ideas of black people were not just caused by a recent incident that has a occurred. It was caused strategically by a taught mindset that told everyone black means, "inferior, uneducated, bad, and [enter any other negative connotation here]".

How would you feel if this was your life? It is a great responsibility and while I cringe at the continuous struggle to overcome assumptions that are slapped on me to wake me up at birth into this world, I take so much pride in who I am.

IT TAKES A HELLA STRONG WOMAN TO INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE A UNIVERSITY WHERE SHE WOULD BE 1 of 50 IN HER CLASS!!

I love my Alma Mater because it taught me what it means to truly live while being black. It made me grow up away from what I was use to but also taught me that for me to change the course of my life, I had to pull up my big girl draws and make some changes that will positively impact me and my family's future. 

I've also learned how to check those who are not familiar with the idea that black people are just human beings too. Instead of giving me dap, a handshake is just fine. Instead of rolling your head off your neck to connect with my culture, just speak to me as a regular person. I don't need a lot of fireworks, just realness and it's as simple as that.

This topic can go on for days, but who ever is reading this, I'd like you to know that being black is not a thing, it's a way of living. As amazing and rich as this culture is, it is still suffering from problems of the past. No, this isn't an excuse but it is reality, the 13th Amendment did not cure ignorance, it just filtered it.

I Will Never Settle for Love: A Daughter's Conversation with Her Mama

I am not a feminist.

I am just a daughter conceived from false hopes of love and a generational curse.

The women in my family have been through a lot. A lot of heartache, a lot of lies, and a lot of secrets. So many things that happened way before me and even so, it has still effected my life in so many ways.

The sad truth is, the women in my family have hardly ever had the "happily ever after" and it makes my stomach turn.  The thought that everyone else can have a workable marriage but my own tribes makes me mad, confused, and just pissed.

I remember being young and even learning about my mom and dad's relationship. Although, they were married when I was born, the marriage was short-lived and before even making the age of 3 they began their rocky road trip towards divorce. BUT WHY?!

When I was younger, I never experienced anger because of that. I can honestly say that I was a pretty happy kid going through all the craziness my mom went through during that process. She was very loving, very protective and very determined to leave the relationship after she saw there was no future.

My dad, although I loved the mess out of him (and still do), had so many personal issues.To be honest, I should not have even been made with all the issues he was dealing with (and I say that with no sarcasm). However, my mama always told me, "If I would have known the things that I know now about your father, then, you probably would not have been here but Mahalia, you were meant to be here." When she told me that, she wasn't saying that she would have aborted me or anything, she was saying that she would not have even gotten in as deep as she did with my dad in the first place. I never took it personal when she first said that and I never will.

As I listened to my mom replay the tape of life in her head it broke my heart to hear the struggle my grandmother even went through in her love life. My grandma was with someone for 30 years who really did not love her. And no, I am not trying to put my problems in  the open but I want to make the point of this post very clear.

I have women in my family who have been abused for the sake of love, women who were raped, women who have been desperate for love. So yes, I have a strong stance on this topic. I have a very strong point of view on love. WHY MUST WE STRUGGLE WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE? WHO IN THE WORLD SENT IN INVITE TO THE DEVIL TO SEND US THIS GENERATIONAL CURSE?

I wish I knew who did it because now as I look at the repetition of heartaches I am completely tired of it all. So that brings me to my overall point of this post....I WILL NEVER SETTLE FOR LOVE. I have experienced personal heartbreak from my own Father regarding this topic, and yes, I still love my dad, I still miss him being here but he has taught me what not to seek in a man all at the same time. By the Grace of God, He has blessed me to be a stronger woman because of this.

I have high standards for my future husband. I believe that the God in our marriage, will work things out. Not make things perfect but will make all things work for the good of those called according to His purpose. And when I speak on marriage, I am not saying that you must be virgins. I am saying that the God that I run after is the God that I want to run this ship.

God being my father, means that I have the criteria of what a man should be. And He has shown me that love means forgiveness, it means compassion, it means wisdom, it means protections, it means acceptance of all flaws, it means the dying of yourself for the life of someone else ---it means sacrifice. And that is only a little bit of it all.

GOD IS ALL OF THAT and I want that in my life for the rest of my life. I don't want perfection but my goodness, I want real love. I have seen generations of heartaches, generations of being unloved and I just pray to God that HE will use me to break this craziness. I will forever push the women in my family and friends to push for God's love because it is the best love.

Our future little boys and girls need to be rescued from things out of there control and it starts with us right now, right at this moment. If the Lord says the same, I feel that I have an obligation to my little ones that will follow me.

Settle?......For what?

With the Lord's strength......I'd rather be single. ;)

NEW VIDEO: What's Getting In The Way Of My Goals? + Eyebrow Tutorial Maybe?

NEW VIDEO: What Fear Is Holding You Back?? + Budgeting Tip #1

NEW VIDEO: Workout Saturday + Painting With A Twist Mommy's Turnup!

NEW VIDEO: GOD LOVES YOU!

NEW VIDEO: I Gained Some Weight + I Paid My First Loan Payment!

Letting Go Of the Pain of My Past: Dear Someone.....Here's An Open Letter to You

Letting go of past pains is hard. I know that because I am currently dealing with this and it has not been a walk in the park. My heart was broken by someone closest to me and I am to this day still figuring out the meaning behind it all.

As a believer, I know that God has a bigger picture, so therefore, I would like to be open with whatever direction He has for me. But if I can be completely real with you, putting all lessons learned aside....I am still hurt.

I am hurt because I trusted this person completely and my trust was broken. (And to my little nosey Nancys and Neds no, I will not name any names).

If you would have asked me years ago if I would feel this way, I would have told you, "Of course not! Our bond is something that is unique!" However, now, as I look at the remnants of what is left of a relationship I can't help but wonder what is God's plan for all of this.

Trust has been something I have tried to piece together since I was young. It went from having trust issues with men to having trust issues with women. For men, not one man, including my biological father, seemed to love me enough to take my trust seriously. And by trust, I do not mean just being there as a father figure, I mean showing me that my love was worth building an insurmountable wall of trust. 

For women, well I didn't really deal with "in my face" jealousy until I got into high school and college. But the craziest thing was, it was people right in my circle! Well it's crazy but at the same time realistic according to life ( and Facebook #lifegoal memes).

And I don't say this to reopen any part of this wound that may have started to heal, but I am typing this to truly began to heal and then to move forward with my life. This particular post isn't for anyone but myself this time because I need to let go of what has been holding me down for a little while now. I am tired of the pressure that holding this in has caused and I don't want to step into a new year with these sad fatal tendencies.

I believe detox starts with honesty. So can I just be honest with my readers??

Well honestly, I do not want to go back to what we use to have. Honestly, I feel that it has lost it's meaning now due to the issues we've had in our past. This isn't to be mean, but I do think that these things needed to happen or else I would not have matured as I have.

In a perfect world, I do wish that I could just forget how this person hurt me. I pray that I can one day be like Christ in this instance, where He makes the frequent choice of forgiving our sins and still being a loving God there after. I'm working on that....

I just want to be done with the semi bitterness that has grown in my heart. I have a certain amount of uneasiness when I am around this person and it is really exhausting because I DO NOT know what to call what we now have. I still feel lied to, I still feel uncared for, I still feel worthless and I just feel hurt.

The crazy thing is that I know peace comes from letting go but for the longest I have been  trying to figure out what does that mean in its entirety. Am I to let go of the situation or let go of the person?

I feel like God may have answered my question but then again I feel like I am still waiting on an answer...(see I am just confused LOLOLOL). 

But this is what I do know:

1. I am still healing from the hurt
2. I don't want to recreate what we "had"
3. I would love for us to someday have something totally new and more amazing through God's grace
4. I don't want this pain anymore

I really don't want the pain of this grief anymore. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of talking to my mom about it lol. I am just over this repetitive cycle of confusion. 

So I guess when I say let go I mean, let life happen.

Free myself from the chains of my thoughts. The sentencing of my confusion and the hands of the enemy. I desire to be free in means of letting God truly take control of this and also letting go of trying to control the outcome of this situation. I think one reason I keep holding on so tightly is because of the fact that I feel I have some sort of true obligation when  all along I have just been trying to do God's job.

Dear Someone,

I truly love you with all my heart but I can no longer be the one to try to help you find your happiness. After all we have gone through, I would love to say that the Lord still has a plan for us and I believe He does. What I am trying to figure out is in what way that is. Things have changed yet they are still the same because I am still hurt and am still healing. I want you to be loved and to truly understand what true love is but I can not be the one to provide that for you, only God can. I have tried and I've ended up being bitter honestly. I know this is wrong,and I know this isn't what God wants from me to you. So because I want Him to have His ultimate way in the both of our lives I choose to let go. Letting go doesn't mean no communication, it doesn't mean the care has to stop but it does mean that I need to move, move from every area where God needs to be in your life. I think my bitterness comes from the fact that I've been placed in an area where I don't even belong. I'm abusing myself on the account of me trying to be where I shouldn't. I trust that God has something amazing planned for you but I don't think this will happen if I am still standing in the way trying to protect you from possible tears.

I need to remove myself from God's position and play the background for now and when it is time for me to be center stage again (if that is His Will) then He will pass me the mic. For now, I will love you from the audience.

Yours Truly,

Mahalia

It's crazy, God just revealed to me another piece of the puzzle. Looks like I am truly starting to detox.

And I'm so excited!!! I am starting to finally breath again :)

NEW VIDEO: How Do You Pray??? + I Found The Name Of My Wig (I Think..)

NEW VIDEO: Money Goals + Where Did I Get This Hair???

My Journey Out Of Financial Debt

I am a college graduate and I am in debt.

Although I have been blessed with an amazing job, I am in debt. I have school loans, bills that need to be paid religiously every month, and on top of that I now have to pay for my boo Brown Suga (my car).

All these responsibilities are great though ya know, I love being able to take care of myself and pay my own bills. However, as the year of 2015 quickly comes to an end I start to think about my financial goals. What are they?

So what do I do? I hop my butt on Pinterest and I start looking for ideas that have worked for others to pay off their debt. What I have found is that a lot of people who have paid off an amazing bulk of their debt within a few years (like 2 or 3) are married as well.

Well I ain't married, so what does that mean for me? Or what does that mean for us (meaning  you guys and myself)? Well lovely readers, I intend on taking you along with me on my ride to paying off my debt. So I guess the first thing is to set a goal of when I'd like to be debt free, or at least at a reasonable financial standing? 

My goal is that by 2018, my finances will be reasonable and will go back to just being labeled as bills.......NOT DEBT. 

I'd like to take you a long with me with through this journey because I feel like almost every single college student has to finally come to the realization that Sallie Mae and all her cousins want their money....and they will get it one way or another.

Not only is it about goals though, but it will require a call for personal growth as well. Things such as organization, procrastination, and discipline are just a few examples of things I will have to pray (& probably fast) about because these are all things that play a huge role in my achieving my goal.

Plus, I want to actually push myself to stick to my plan. I don't want majority of my adult life to be consumed with the thoughts of dollar signs. I want to live life contently. ALSO, as I said earlier, I am not married, and as much as it would be great to have help, I kind of want to handle the debt I have brought upon myself on my own. Whenever I get married, I don't want my college financial debt to be my uninvited shadow, appearing at the moments when my life is shining at it's brightest.

I WANT TO CUT THE CORD! 

And I have faith that I will be able to do it, we will be able to do it. I not only want to be debt free by 2018 but I want to of course see how God makes provision for me during this period of my life. I plan to learn more about myself and my weak points. Yall already know I include the Lord in EVERYTHING lol!

 I will keep you posted on this journey my amigas y amigos! Stay on the look out for new posts & videos coming soon on my blog!

Okay..so deep breath...let's say a prayer and let's make this happen ;)

.......I don't love you like God do, but I still love you lolololollolol.... deuces 

People Are Going To Judge You! (Part 1)

People are going to judge you. This is fact. Especially if you are open with your relationship with God. Oh yeeeeeaaaahhhhh, and you definitely aren't able to do a thing wrong when you are unashamed (116 ;) ) of the gospel.

Honestly, I had a whole notha' direction in which I wanted to take my next blog post but you know what I guess I will use this one to really just express my experiences as a young believer going through daily life.....and people....and their thoughts ugh lol.

Let me first say that I screw up. True story yall lol...I slip up some times a lot more than others. And if anyone asks my boyfriend, as he would tell it...I get oh so emotional when I do. Partly because I know that I did it because I desired to. Other reasons, well....I know that I have no excuse  when I do. I guess you can say I am a little hard on myself.

The flip side of that is that when other people see your life from afar....they only expect perfection. As a believer, I never make a point of saying I am perfect. In fact, more often than not, I constantly put myself out there in saying that I do screw up, I do make wrong choices...I do eff up lol. Many times, it is actually OTHER PEOPLE giving me that label that I never asked for in the first place.

The thing is that there is always someone out there waiting for you to mess up and a lot of times it is those same people that say they admire you, that likes those statuses or comment on those posts. This is real life yall lol and humans beings are something else! Those same people will call themselves calling you out on something that you have already gone to God for lol.

I can't lie, it can be totally aggravating, mainly because you want to get on their level and hurt their feelings. But you can't and some may ask, "Why is that? Why not treat them the same way they treat you?"

Well dearie, the first reason is pretty much the only reason...if you are a believer you must still love them like Christ loves us all. Trust me though, it AIN'T easy. A lot of times these same people are dealing with their own set of issues and they are lowkey looking for a way to kinda tear down your progression.

OMG, and don't try to make positive changes in your life, they will definitely try to slaughter your self esteem because of that as well. Many people are, what my mama calls it, nice/nasty. As nice as they can be [you know with those likes and comments and shares and compliments] they will still turn right around and talk about you like a dog and later on smile in your face....again.

These are the type of people you gotta love from afar or if you are not careful they will utterly be part of the demise of your overall growth. I guess what I am saying is that we all have to be aware of the company that we keep. Even as a believer, the Lord makes it quite clear about the importance of the company you keep, such as:

1 Corinthians 15:33

Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."

Proverbs 13:20

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

1 Corinthians 5:11

But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one.

Proverbs 14:7

Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words of knowledge.

Psalm 26:4-5

I do not sit with deceitful men, Nor will I go with pretenders. I hate the assembly of evildoers, And I will not sit with the wicked.

Psalm 1:1-4

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers.

This list could literally go on, but for my people who came to my blog not really looking for a bible study this go around, all I am saying is that the wrong people can contaminate your happiness and your progress. So we all have to watch who hangs around us because it honestly effects our well being.

Back to the overall topic though...PEOPLE ARE GOING TO JUDGE YOU! They are going to go in for the kill, especially when they think you are trying to be perfect. As of recently, I have been labeled as a judgmental hypocrite....and I can not lie..it did poke my heart lol. Although my name was not specifically stated, you know when people are trying to throw rocks, boulders and everything else to hurt you. It honestly pissed me off but as I look at it now, I now see that we are all at different walks in our spiritual lives with Christ. So a lot of times, if you aren't at the same level spiritually people will come at you in the worst way because the understanding is not there.

Now let me make this clear, when I say you aren't on the same level, I am not saying one person is better than the other because of where they are spiritually (because I know someone was going to read that part and be petty lol). What I am saying is that everyone is different and everyone aren't sharing the same experiences in their lives or have the same desires to be closer to Christ. That doesn't make one better than the other, it's just the reality of things.

So How Do You Deal With Judgement?

Here's a few things I've learned....

1. Pray. Prayer will not only give you direction but will also give you strength not to get on their level.
2. Figure out whether this person is really judging you or are they just holding you accountable? A lot of times we all, myself included, misunderstand judgment for accountability because we don't like looking at the icky/dark/no so innocent places in our lives. So we gotta be careful with that **this is something I'll talk about in the 2nd Part of this blog post**
3. If you know the person is just being spiteful confront them if you think it is worth it. Especially if this is a person that holds a special place in your heart, someone who you spent countless hours with, someone that you have invested a relationship with.
4. If the person is just being petty then chunk the deuces! If this isn't something or someone you should really be taking serious then just direct the foolishness to the door, ignore them and proceed with your life.

So yes, people are going to always have their opinions and judgement, however how you handle the daggers is up to you. Honestly, I am still learning how to navigate through like through the eyes of Christ but until then, stay prayed up and remain encouraged because hatas gon' hate...regardless lol. 

How Do You Let Go Of Someone Who Does Not Love You?

**Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with my current relationship lol....in the words of bae..."we good ;) **

So how do you let go of someone who does not love you? How do you know when to let go of something you once thought would last you a lifetime?  That question is a lot easier said than done but it is worth thinking about...

I have had my share of bad relationships. I have been in the situations where I was in a relationship with someone who liked me but I really wasn't feeling. I have been in relationships where I was in love and he wasn't. I was in situations where it had everything that should have made it perfect but it just wasn't thus making me feel guilty. I mean, I don't think I I've been in a lot of relationships however, I do know I have had my share of experiences that have prepared me for where I am now.

I will say though, that it was me knowing my worth that helped me get over the um..... duds of my life.

I remember the day one of my exs told me, "you will never do better than me!!"

.........BUT PAUSE, WAS HE SERIOUS THOUGH?!?

I do believe that he was, but that was such a monumental part of my life. I say that because I think from then on out I started believing harder than ever in God. I made the following declaration to myself at that moment:

If I am a Believer in Christ then that means I believe His Word is true,

If His Word Is True then that means it can not return back void[Isaiah 55:11],

I know that HE loves me and wants the ultimate best for me,

....and I know that if I can feel this WRONG, in this relationship,

GOD IS SO SUFFICIENT THAT HE CAN DEFINITELY BRING ME RIGHT.

I KNOW WHO I SERVE, AND I KNOW HE HAS SOMEONE WHO I WILL KNOW IN MY HEART WHO IS BEST FOR ME!

Yes folks, all that found its way in my head as I watched my ex walk away in all of his ego. I just knew God had better for me than that situation because if that was my good thing, I SURE AS HECK didn't want it. It just felt wrong, nothing felt right. Plus, our personalities did not click. Everyone figured we would be the perfect couple for each other. And I sometimes believe that I even believed the hype. It's truly amazing to me how those outside your relationship looking in can make you feel so far from the truth of what truly is happening. Somehow though, when you are alone, echoing in the silence, you can hear the clarity of truth. That's probably why I didn't care to spend any time with him. I was in denial of what was clear. This guy was no exception, we were both smart. Both had pretty nice looking futures ahead of us but it just wasn't where I was suppose to be.

Truth is, I felt bad once we officially broke up because I totally had this bad habit of caring about everyone's feelings except my own. In fact, the devil was even smart enough to try and use that as a way to make me doubt God's direction for my love life. Every now and then, I heard a little voice in my ear saying, "What if he was right?" "What if you are missing out on your perfect future?" I would quickly dismiss that thought though, I thought about how miserable I was and although I didn't have a ton of scriptures of the Bible, I did understand that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord, to them who are called according to his purpose [Roman 8:28].

But I guess the real question is, how do you know that the person you've been in a relationship with for umpteenth years actually loves you?

Well I guess if we really have to ask that question then that explains a lot more than we may think or would like to admit. 

Honesty....

If we are honest with ourselves, either our hearts or our minds gives us red flags regarding whoever we are prospectively looking at. If this person truly loves you, they will want to make sure that you honestly understand their intentions for you. Because they honestly love you, they will honestly want your love in return. They will always be honest with you, even when it hurts at times. They will make it clear that they see and want you in their future. They may not know how to get there but they do know that you are there with them. I believe that a person knows at least within the first few weeks of being with a person whether or not they can see a possible future with them. I'm not saying "I love you" will be said on the 4th date, but what I am saying is that a nerve will be stroked.

Consistency...

Before I got into my current blessing, I dealt with inconsistencies in almost every relationship I was in.  Ole dudes just did not understand the logic behind being consistent. I now get how big of a role maturity played in it all but at the time all I knew was that they weren't reliable. When someone truly loves you, their love will be consistent. It will not be iffy and it definitely will not play hide and seek with your heart. The love will be consistent. Their love will have a steady heartbeat. Now every now and then you may feel a palpitation but there should never be a flat line. When I speak of consistency, I am talking about responsibilities in the relationship, taking your thoughts and the things that effect you in consideration. Making you a priority will be consistent. When I met my boo, I had so many problems with consistency in the past that I effected my trust levels in so many ways. I questioned almost everything, my walls were higher than Mt. Everest. Consistency brings reliability and reliability brings trust which brings strength. Along with honesty and consistency comes communication as well. If someone loves you, they will communicate that to you, one way or another. 

How Do You Let Go Of Someone Who Does Not Love You......

Get Selfish & Stop.

You just stop. Stop the calling, the texting, the fantasizing (of what isn't), the hoping, the investing, you just stop. I am not saying that it is easy but ultimately to quit a cycle, you have to just stop. For me, I actually had to start accepting that I wasn't gaining what I personally needed from who I was with. 

Alot of times as women, we think so much about what we can provide for our counterpart that we don't actually take out the time to think about what's being provided for us. I had to get selfish and honestly think about what it was that I truly desired in my relationship. Then I had to look at what I had and say to myself, " if this man does not make any changes from here on out, would I be satisfied with what I have?" Once I noticed that my answer was a no ( or more like a HELL NO), I began to find strength to make moves for the well being of myself.

I know that I am a woman of chances. I believe that just as God gives us chances to get it together, we owe it to those who we care about to give them chances as well. HOWEVER, I also believe in having a limit to the madness as well. I don't believe in continously going into cycles because I HATE LOOKING STUPID. Yes, that's right my friends, my pride is what helps me let go of helpless situations.

And I know what some of you are probably thinking,"Mahalia, we can do all things through Christ" (nice try) but every situation is not Christ-created. Some decisions are choices, not chosen situations. By that I mean, some relationships aren't destiny, some of them were us trying to create a destiny with an undestined person. Because we think it should work, we do all we can so that it does. So then when it is time to let go of that person, it is harder than ever because of all the investing placed in that dead end.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, love is always sure. True love knows what belongs to it and it connects to that branch of life. Never let fear bribe you into remaining in a relationship that is you already know you shouldn't be in. Remember time waits for no one, but God always has a remarkable way of changing your slip ups to come ups. Trust in Him and Wait on Him.

Until next time....ciao!

OMG...Why AM I Not Pregnant? [[Expectations]]

So*This*Is*NOT*What*You*May*Think......

As I sit here in my "going to bed" mode (perm rollers set & scarf completely on the highest of fleek), I think about the events that took place in my life as of recently. As some of you may already know, I am now an auntie of 12 nieces & nephews (that's right folks...numbers don't lie). Some of you may be thinking, how can a 23 year old woman be an Auntie to that many kids....it's possible and it's definitely done but that is not the reason for this particular post. All these kids have really got me thinking about life.

I NEVER thought that I would catch myself in such a 

cliche' part of my life.

Honestly, I thought I was still too young to even have to answer this question. (Which I will get to in a moment....or you may have already assumed.) We are so living in a day in age where women are expected to go forth into a career or to further their education before anything else. At times, it seems to be held by even a higher standard than taking any other route. But I have now come to the conclusion that this cliche' way of thinking may actually be reality. Hence, the golden question......

When Are You Going To Start Having Some Babies?

I think that the college life has spoiled me in a way. 

When you live in a town that was made completely for a university, you tend to get so use to life in that bubble. So use to it, that you may even think that your way of thinking is that of the majority.

Such a lie.

TO MY COLLEGE FOLKS --> Stop lying to yourself. Let me tell you why......

When I graduated from high school, I knew a number of people who had kids soon after. I am not judging, I'm just saying...that's what happened. What I also noticed was that those that decided to go the college route thought that having kids at the age of 18-21 was sooooooooo weird. Even I thought that was soooo young. I really did because my life still consisted of books, studying and grades.

Well as I got further through college, I soon learned that my way of thinking was actually WRONG. Those deciding to further their education are actually the minority. From my self made survey (completed completely in my head) I saw a trend that usually once graduated from high school, a lot more of us start families than putting that on hold for a career. Not saying either way is right or wrong.... that's just what had happened.

So where am I going with all this? Well, I am now 23 and I think this is usually the peak age of starting a family for women. For the first time, I am starting to lowkey feel the pressure of others and their "?s". 

And yes, I know that at the end of the day, it's nobody's business but my own but I am finally starting to understand what we had once talked about so much in a number of my Psychology classes. 

EXPECTATIONS.

I remember being in college with a different set of expectations. At that time, everyone had their own set of expectations for my career and the direction of it. AND NOW....now what I have graduated, now what I have been blessed with a great job, blessed to be with an amazing person....a lot of people are like: 

DEGREE + JOB + MAN = GIRL WHAT YOU WAITING ON??

So.........ladies and gents...here are my answer[s]:

God's Timing:

It's perfect. Now do not get me wrong, every child that is meant to be here is meant to be here. Not one child is a mistake or an accident. God has purpose for everyone who is on this Earth so please never misunderstand His purpose for our choices. What I am saying is that, although all that is true, life is harder with a child when you are not mentally prepared to have one. I have rushed when it came to certain points in my life, and I am finally learning to slow down and smell those amazing roses God has placed in my life. When I wait on Him, I am giving Him room to establish that favor in my life that I so desire. Plus, I am waiting on His timing for that ring too honey child!!! I trust that in His season, everything will fall into place. I don't know when His timing is, but I do know that with His timing comes His perfection which is totally my safety net...blanket....& everything else used to describe trust & peace.

Generational Curses:

I am determined to break them. Simple as that. Through prayer, fasting and just going against the grain of that has been done for years within my family. I believe to get different results, you must take different directions and you have to be strong enough to handle the criticism that comes along with that....whether it is from others or yourself. You just can't do things the same way you or your family has done when you already know the answer to that hard, complicated life equation. Why not try something different?

This is Me & Bae's Time:

You know, the subtitle tells it all. This is time for me and the bae to cake it up and get to really know each other. It has actually taken me a long time to finally get to this point. As a young girl, getting married and having a family has always been something that was pushed in our faces as our conceptional duties at birth. It has been stamped on us to rush. I am just starting to learn, understand and accept the fact that God's timing is HIS timing for a reason. Every place we find ourselves in is meaningful because it edifies our lives and grandioso purpose. As long as it is God's will, this is our time to just love on each other without having to share the attention. This is definitely our time to really accomplish our dreams, travel the world....DO WHATEVER WE WON'T BE ABLE TO DO WITH KIDS. And I know there are some that can still do a lot even with them but we lazy.....ain't nobody got time for that. (And we are totally fine with that lol). This is time for us to grow spiritually, mentally and physically as individuals and as a couple.

Overall....

Regardless of where you find yourself, whether you are married or not, a parent or not....have a degree or not..whatever walk of life you may find yourself in, know that God is with you. Don't try to see how much greener the grass is on your friend's or a stranger's lawn. It is pointless, you were made for the life that you are living right now and your can either float or sink. Never down your current situation (no matter how pretty & shiny or dull & ugly) because it doesn't look like what the world says it should. A lot of times, we don't even see the beauty in our own lives until we have that light bulb moment.  LOVE YOUR LIFE. Love it up and trust in God to keep you moving in the correct direction, even if it is going against the grain. You were made purposeful, powerful, flawed but destined. ;)

SATURDAY NITE: #PIA2015 #HOUSTON #PC4M

Hello Everyone,

Of course I could not just talk about how great the poetry slam was without posting a few pics & videos!!! Check it out below:

Me & My College Ladies <3

A Selfie w/ the Amazing Poet Ezekiel

Aaaah! Another Selfie w/ Johnathan McReynolds (definitely didn't recognize him until he started singing...sorry homie).

Us with the one and only Mrs. "I Will Wait for You"

Jackie Hill-Perry, so amazing and inspirational!!

Jeanette...IKZ!

Amazing Night! I would suggest anyone to check them out on YouTube or a show near you!!!!



#MuchLove ;)

Check Out My Newest Video: Choosing the Right College Major!

My Struggle With Sexual Sin....

Eeeeehhh, I definitely wasn't planning on going in this deep for my next blog posting. HOWEVER, after a night like last night....you just have to be honest with yourself. As rigid as the title sounds, at the tender age of 23, the struggle with sexual sin gets more than real but everything has its starting marks.

So last night a few of my college buddies and I attended an amazing Poetry Slam in Houston, Texas. We all laughed, caught each other up on the latest in each of our lives and made jokes about how it seemed that some of the women there not only was ready to hear some poetry but also was ready to find a husband too. (It's nothing new at events like these. There's something about these artsy things that make black women think LOVE JONES instead of the actual purpose which is LOVE CHRIST. Buuuutttt anywho, I digress.)

As we found our seats and the lights lowered, we were all ready to have the ultimate experience that we have always imagined and seen on YouTube! I can't speak for all of my comrades but as the amazing words of Ezekiel, Jackie Hill-Perry, Preston Perry, and Janette..IKZ infiltrated my ears it also pierced my heart and broke the glass of forgetfulness around my memory regarding things of my past.

What if I told you that the things that you've gone through, even those you've forgotten (or wanted to forget) can effect the livelihood of your daily life? I always knew I had an interesting sex drive.(Not to say that I want to put my business out there but I am just going to let the Lord guide my fingers). I figured that it was just my hormones raging due to young age, normal right?

Well as I stated earlier, last night, I was so convicted of my sexual impurity and the Lord allowed my mind to wonder and to really dissect where it all came from. As Jackie Hill - Perry approached the mic and spoke of her struggle as a homosexual (she is now married by the way...to a guy lol) the conviction laid hard on myself. The chains that were wrapped around my memory began to loosen and tears began to form as the reality of a portion of my life surfaced.

My sexual impurity began long before I even reached puberty, it actually started in elementary school with a little girl about my age at that time. I still remember her name, I still remember her how she looks...I remember her. I remember being at school one day and we were watching a movie at that time and she asked me "Can I touch you"? Although, majority  the details of that day are now vague I do remember us being under a sheet and her guiding my hands to her private places that usually little children our age should have been ignorant of. I remember her hands invading my private places as well. I remember quickly retracting my hand and then going to the restroom. I was completely confused at my curiosity and embarrassed because I knew it was wrong. She then followed me to the bathroom and then into the same stall I was in and tried to touch on me again. I pushed her off and then we never really spoke after that. Every encounter after that was awkward and weird. (Yall this is so hard...)

As years progressed, I struggled a lot with having sexual thoughts & desires ...long before hitting puberty and when I did, it seemed that everything was times 10! It was something that seemed so uncontrollable, especially when I was younger because I didn't have the understanding of where it all originated from.

A few years later, I also learned that molestation took place in my family as well. It shook my world completely, I never looked at men the same way again. From that point forward, I was paranoid of pretty much all men I encountered. I never wanted to be left alone with them and my trust level for any and every man was at an all time low. In my head it was plain, "if someone who I am this close with can do this then there is no telling what a perfect stranger can do to me".

I struggled you guys for so many years. I cried so many nights about why did this have to take place in my family. Why couldn't I have a normal family who's intentions were purely out of love and not an ulterior motive? Why God?

The interesting thing about it all was that after finding out about the molestation, it made it all the more easier for me to wait until marriage. It made me not place myself in any uncompromising positions, it made me not trust a smiling face, it made me wiser. It's funny how God can really use a devastating moment in your life and turn it into something worth living for.

Last night, God used that time to really allow me to see how great HE really is. Once I thought about all the things that have taken place in my life and the roads I could have turn to because of them, tears flowed heavy from my eyes. All I could do was tell the Lord "Thank You for Delivering Me". All it takes is one unfortunate incident for us, as humans, to walk away from the love of Christ. All it takes is one misguided child or one family secret to have you move in another direction.

I know that this is a longer post than usual, so I thank you all who have made it to this point but what I want to say is that no matter what the Devil tries to use for your destruction, God already has a plan to protect you through it and to see you out. We all have dirty clothes in our hamper of life. We all have things that we are not proud of. We all have things in our past that we had no control of but those things are just evidence of the broken world we live in. IT IS NOT EVIDENCE OF A NON-EXISTING GOD!

Let me tell you that my struggle of sexual sin is not easy. I am most definitely a work in progress. The Devil definitely used different baits to hook me onto his lies and away from the grace and mercy of the Lord. That little girl in elementary school, the molestation in my family, and during my freshman year in college I was even introduced to porn. HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO BAIT ME FOR YEARS.

When he tries different things in your life, take note, write it down and bring it to the Lord. Present them to Him and understand that when different things seem to be happening in your life it's not directly for you. You may be directly hit but this is the devil indirectly trying to have shots fired at the Lord.The devil knows what we are His soft spot, we are His children and as any parent would be, He is very protective. I have had to come to this conclusion to not hold grudges and to allow love to still enter into my heart.

So some might ask, Mahalia....why would you put all your business out here for the world to see? Well, in the words of Preston Perry last night,

"Your freedom is worth my embarrassment."

I don't mind a few people judging me because I know that through every shot fired He will protect me and HE is worth knowing. He saved me from the possible direction of homosexuality due to my first sexual encounter. He saved my life you guys! So to you who may be afraid or may have experienced what I have or even worst, please know what although certain things can enter our lives at such young ages, God was still there. How do I know? The flowing of blood through your veins and the breath in your lungs is proof enough.

God created you with a divine purpose, one that can never be destroyed by the enemy so take that and run with Him! Trust Him and continue to walk into your ultimate, unrelenting, unmoving destiny! I hope this has help someone as much as last night helped me!

Stay in the fight! You are worth fighting for!!!

I Am Such A Liar...To Myself :(

This really wasn't meant to be a long blog post but I have to spill the beans on myself.

I am a liar. Not like a compulsive liar, but one of those liars who says she is going to do this and that and then get distracted by other things in life and never finish what she started in the first place. When it comes to goals, I let myself down alot more than I let others down because I know the achievements I want to accomplish and often times I let life happen and lies happen to myself as well.

It is truly a bad habit and if I can't be honest with myself (or my lovely readers) who can I be honest with? I've been this way since I could remember. Even in college, I lost motivation many of times because I just allowed myself to get distracted by other things.

I sucked at staying focused. There have been countless of times where I have started things in my life...great ideas btw...but still unfinished. So who's to say that my life would have been going in a different direction had I stayed the coarse and remained focused?

Trust me when I say, we all have our flaws. I believe that mines definitely have alot to do with just sticking to my guns, and not allowing anything to distract me from my goals. They say (whoever "they" are) the first step to letting go of an addiction is admitting you have a problem soooooo here we go.......

I Get DISTRACTED 

EASILY.......

Maybe by me actually taking a chance with my pride & ego and actually saying it out loud it will actually help me pull up my big girl pants and really move forward in my goals. It's all a work in progress....

A few things I have learned so far about myself is that, I AM THE REASON FOR ME BEING WHERE I AM. YES, I pray. YES, I aim to keep God in all of my decisions. YES, I stay having goals and aspirations but as it says in the Bible -  "Faith WITHOUT Works Is DEAD" (James 2:17). This basically means that Mahalia cannot just pray that the Lord sees her through without taking steps in faith towards that direction. I have to invest! And honestly, I have struggled for a long time with really staying the coarse. Not because I didn't believe I couldn't do it but because I can just be plain old lazy.

Sometimes I think that when I was younger, my low self esteem catered to my laziness. You know that way of thinking like, "well I can't do this anyways...so why even try. Might as well stop while I am ahead." Sometimes we allow ourselves to murder our own potential and futures by simply speaking death and negativity over our own lives. 

I mean, WHO NEEDS HATERS ANYWAYS WHEN YOU HAVE YOURSELF, RIGHT?

Self esteem is so essential to our futures and maybe if I didn't think so lowly of myself I would have been on stage right now instead of behind a desk. My life would probably have very well gone in a different directions but the great thing is that even with our slip ups, God has a Plan B, C, D....... and Z if we allow Him to have His Way in our lives. 

At this moment, I have a $300 piano sitting on my desk that I have turned on only to allow my nephew to play on. The amazing thing is that, when I prayed to God to provide me with avenues to polish my talents in what I am passionate for, He almost instantly opens a door for that to happen (as He did with this piano). Now, the next move is up to me. Will I take initiative to learn how to play it or will I let it collect dust? Will I continue to post on this blog, regardless of how many views I get or will I give up? Will I keep going hard for better quality of footage for my YouTube page or will I get distracted and give up?

We all have choices to make, in the words of my middle school math teacher, Mr. Hughes. We all have choices no matter what. That is the perk of having Free Will in this life but what will you choose?

I can not say that I will become Mozart on that piano tomorrow but what I can say is that I am in the way of my own success and admitting it to you all is a start but it's that step after admitting the problem that really matters. And I am so tired of lying to myself....Mahalia girl, it is time to change things up or stay chasing opportunities.

What opportunities are you steady chasing? Please, don't feel alone or embarrassed. We can admit our problems together LOL...HOWEVER, since tomorrow is not promised - what can we do today?

#ItsTime